(author note: I’m drunk as shit while I write this.)
First, lemme give you some background,
I rushed a frat my first semester in college and it was probably one of the worst mistakes of my life. I was not in the right mindset to rush. I didn’t know why I wanted to join a frat. I didn’t know why I Need a frat in my life. So that lead to one of the worst semesters in my life. (Note: my pledge semester was better than any semester in high school. But high school was so much shit that having diarrhea was more enjoyable than high school.) I mean, I wasn’t use to college, let alone living 4,000 MILES AWAY FROM MY MOTHER. I was out of my element. I grew up A LOT from my little freshman semester (I hate being a fucking spring admit >.>). So, I didn’t really take advantage of anything that happened. Cause I was just generally confused about anything that happened during that time. I mean, my pledge semester was so fucking bad, I am GENUINELY CONFUSED how I got into my frat. The object of a pledge semester is to 1) get integrated in said frat and 2) become really close to your pledge class, like a family. I did neither. I feel so uncomfortable around my frat, it isn’t even funny. I LEAVE EVENTS EARLY BECAUSE I DON’T WHAT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE FROM MY FRAT. ESPECIALLY MY PLEDGE CLASS. YOU AREN’T SUPPOSE TO FEEL THAT WAY. Yet I do, so I generally avoid most events either my frat or my pledge class host. I don’t feel welcomed. I don’t feel wanted. I feel like everyone hates me so I play it safe and remove myself from the situation. (Like, some of y’all don’t understand. My PLEDGE MASTER TOLD ME PEOPLE WERE UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND ME. YET ID DECIDED TO CONTINUE PLEDGING. PEOPLE LITERALLY FELT MY PRESENCE UNPLEASING YET I STILL JOIN THIS FRAT). So this is my current mindset with any and all fraternity things I get invited to. A general, “I was only invited because I was apart of the facebook group.”
So, tonight. My good good friend from USC (met her so long. Became friends online. Rushed and joined DKA at the same time.) invited me, and our entire pledge class to a kick back tonight. Just to hang out and remember the good times. (I didn’t have any good times. Only bad ones. Message me and I will tell you in detail.) So, I was veryyyyyyy apprehensive to go. Like, I am literally WAITING for people to graduate in my pledge class so I can ENJOY BEING IN MY FRAT. I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY PLEDGE CLASS THAT I DON’T WANT THEM AT USC. #okayjosh what the fuck. But lately, I have been feeling like absolute trash for a multitude of reasons I barely understand. So, in an attempt to cheer myself up, I went. EVEN THOUGH I FELT LIKE THIS WAS GOING TO BE AN EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE EVENT. My need not to be alone overcame me. So I went, and luckily, there were only people from pledge class that I felt comfortable with except for one person (it’s complicated >.>, PM me about it.) So, I felt okay. I genuinely was quiet cause I didn’t want to over step my bounds. I already felt unwanted, so I tried to stay invisible as possible. Like I wasn’t there. We played Mario Party and King’s Cup. I got wayyyyyyyyy more drunk than I thought I was going to (note the grammatical errors). So whatever. But one girl from my pledge class (I feel she still feels uncomfortable around me) came and was talking about the “good times” from pledging. Like smoking before meetings and what not. I didn’t get invited to any of those BECAUSE NO ONE FUCKIGN LIKED ME!!!!!!!!! It was weird. I tried to keep it fun and cute. I joked about wanting to beat up the people my good good friend at USC lives with. (She follows me as well #awk).
But, I just felt so.. gross. My pledge class was not fun and cute. I ACTIVELY TRY TO FORGET JANUARY 2013 THROUGH MAY 2013 DOESN’T EXIST. THAT WAS MY WHOLE FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE/ PLEDGE SEMESTER, I TRY NOT TO REMEMBER WHAT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE. I felt so bad. I didn’t have a “best friend”. I didn’t have a “thing i always did during pledging.” I had nothing. Just met making the biggest ass of myself in front of people I am suppose to know for the rest of my life. I mean, every being drunk was nice. Everyone was lubricated enough to just enjoy each other’s presence and not dwell on the past. But it just felt so weird. I couldn’t help question if the people around me liked me or not. And that is not a good feeling. It is one thing to feel liked by everyone. It is one thing to be hated by everyone. And it is another thing to be surrounded by strangers. But surrounded by strangers who KNOW YOU AND HATE YOU FOR IT is not coooooool. Things got weird. The conversation felt weird. it felt weird talking with people in my pledge class. I just wanted to leave and pretend to not exist. Not to only make myself happier, but my whole pledge class. The ONE thing I did right by them. It’s just… I am so suppose to like them. Love them and sacrifice anything for them… but… I don’t. I don’t feel for them. They just remind me of the friendships I could of once had, but blew my chance when I did. Sure, this kick back was OKAY. It’s just… I don’t feel comfortable around them. I just feel hate and disgust come my way. Like I am a disgrace.
the fact that some people on this site are sexually aroused by benevolent cucumberpatch is proof that someone will find you attractive no matter how ugly you may be. there is always hope